Celebrity

Selena Gomez says she contemplated suicide for years: 'I thought the world would be better if I wasn't there'

"I started to feel like I was not in control of what I was feeling, whether that was really great or really bad."

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Published on November 3, 2022 02:25PM EDT

Selena Gomez is shedding some light on her difficult mental and physical health journey over the last few years.

The Only Murders in the Building star, who publicly revealed that she suffered from bipolar disorder in 2020, told Rolling Stone that she struggled with suicidal ideation for years, but never acted upon the thoughts, sharing, "I thought the world would be better if I wasn't there."

The actress has sought help at "four treatment centers" for multiple mental ailments in her life, including depression, anxiety, and psychosis. "When I started hitting my early twenties is when it started to get really dark, when I started to feel like I was not in control of what I was feeling, whether that was really great or really bad," she told the outlet. "It would start with depression, then it would go into isolation."

After she began hearing voices in her head, Gomez said she suffered from a psychotic episode that landed her in a mental health facility for several months in 2018. After "walking out of psychosis" and being diagnosed with bipolar disorder, she was put on so many medications that it felt like "there was no part of me that was there anymore."

Gomez was, eventually, able to find a psychiatrist who took her off all but two medications, which was its own grueling process. "I had to detox, essentially, from the medications I was on. I had to learn how to remember certain words. I would forget where I was when we were talking," she said. "It took a lot of hard work for me to (a) accept that I was bipolar, but (b) learn how to deal with it because it wasn't going to go away."

Since then, the actress has used her platform not only to advocate for greater mental health awareness and resources, but to also share how she's feeling. In April, she co-founded the mental health start-up Wondermind, and will detail her own journey in her new documentary My Mind & Me, which will premiere on Apple TV+ on Nov. 4.

"I have the platform I have, it's kind of like I'm sacrificing myself a little bit for a greater purpose,' she said. "I don't want that to sound dramatic, but I almost wasn't going to put this out. God's honest truth, a few weeks ago, I wasn't sure I could do it."

Gomez said she's also making a concerted effort to "make bipolar my friend" and be kind to herself going forward. "I remind myself that I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for the psychotic break, if it wasn't for my lupus, if it wasn't for my diagnosis," Gomez said. "I think I would just probably be another annoying entity that just wants to wear nice clothes all the time. I'm depressed thinking about who I would be."

Selena Gomez: My Mind & Me premieres on Apple TV+ on Nov. 4.

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Selena Gomez says she contemplated suicide for years: 'I thought the world would be better if I wasn't there'

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