The Best Abraham "Grampa" Simpson Quotes
- Photo: 20th Television111 VOTES
A Calmative
Dr. Nick: Hi, everybody! Now, tell Dr. Nick where is the trouble.
Grampa Simpson: I'm itchy! I've got ants in my pants! I'm discombobulated! Give me a calmative!
Dr. Nick: Slow down, sir! You're going to give yourself skin failure!
- Photo: 20th Television211 VOTES
Alcoholic Hippo
Grampa Simpson: And I created an alcoholic hippo.
Homer Simpson: You never showed it to me!
Grampa Simpson: A stupid alcoholic hippo!
- Photo: 20th Television38 VOTES
And Laughed About It
Grampa Simpson: I can finally win a gold medal. I came close at the 1936 Olympics. I threw a javelin that barely missed Hitler. But I did hit an assassin who was trying to kill Hitler.
Hitler (memory): What is this, Kill Hitler Day?
Grampa Simpson: The next time I saw Hitler, we had dinner and laughed about it.
- Photo: 20th Television48 VOTES
Travel Back In Time
Homer Simpson: I've gone back to the time when dinosaurs weren't just confined to zoos! OK, don't panic -- remember the advice your father gave you on your wedding day.
(Homer remembering)Grampa Simpson: If you ever travel back in time, don't step on anything because even the tiniest change can alter the future in ways you can't imagine.
- Photo: 20th Television517 VOTES
Fathers Have To Say That
Homer Simpson: You're cute as a bug's ear.
Lisa Simpson: Fathers have to say that stuff!
Homer Simpson: Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear?
Grampa Simpson: No, you're homely as a mule's butt!
Homer Simpson: There, see?
- Photo: 20th Television67 VOTES
But Matlock
Grampa Simpson: I'm an old man. I hate everything but Matlock!
- Photo: 20th Television77 VOTES
Perfect Day
Bart Simpson: He's alive!
Marge Simpson: And he didn't pee on the floor.
Grampa Simpson: For me that's a perfect day.
- Photo: 20th Television824 VOTES
Too Much Pie
Grampa Simpson: Now, my story begins in 19-dickety-two. We had to say "dickety" cause that Kaiser had stolen our word "twenty." I chased that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dickety-six miles…
Martin: Dickety? Highly dubious!
Grampa Simpson: What are you cackling at, fatty? Too much pie, that's your problem!
- Photo: 20th Television912 VOTES
Brought Down The Corn Prices
Grampa Simpson: In 1957 I saw him turn the Secretary of Agriculture into the Secretary of the Interior. It was hell on their wives, but it sure brought down corn prices. Built a house out of corn. It was the worst home I ever owned. When it got really hot it smelled like Frito's.
- Photo: 20th Television1012 VOTES
Dear Mr. President
Grampa Simpson: Dear Mr. President, there are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot.
- Photo: 20th Television1116 VOTES
Onion Tied To My Belt
Grampa Simpson: The important thing was that I had an onion tied to my belt, which was the style at the time.
- Photo: 20th Television1213 VOTES
Greatest Tragedy
Grampa Simpson: They say the greatest tragedy is when a father outlives his son. I have never fully understood why. Frankly, I can see an upside to it!
- Photo: 20th Television1313 VOTES
Medium Brown
Grampa Simpson: Ah, there's an interesting story behind this nickel. In 1957, I remember it was, I got up in the morning and made myself a piece of toast. I set the toaster to three: medium brown.
- Photo: 20th Television1412 VOTES
Check My Underwear
Grampa Simpson: Well, whenever I'm confused, I just check my underwear. It holds the answer to all the important questions.
- Photo: 20th Television159 VOTES
Your As Dumb
Homer Simpson: Now son, on your first day of school, I'd like to pass along the words of advice my father gave me. (remembering what his dad told him)
Grampa Simpson: Homer, you're as dumb as a mule and twice as ugly. If a strange man offers you a ride, I say take it!
- Photo: 20th Television166 VOTES
Never Die
Grampa Simpson: I'm Santa!? Oh, now I'll never die.
- Photo: 20th Television174 VOTES
Has A Crappy Ending
Grampa Simpson: Unfortunately, like all true stories, this one has a crappy ending.
Bart Simpson: You have a story with an ending.
- Photo: 20th Television184 VOTES
Straight As A Submarine
Grampa Simpson: I don't ride side-saddle. I'm as straight as a submarine.
- Photo: 20th Television196 VOTES
It's Night
Homer Simpson: Dad, are you sure you're okay to drive at night?
Grampa Simpson: It's night?
Homer Simpson: That's it, pull over!
- Photo: 20th Television208 VOTES
Someone Brown
Grampa Simpson: What can I do for you? Eat something green? Vote for someone brown?
- Photo: 20th Television217 VOTES
To Paint My Chicken Coop
Grampa Simpson: I thought I recognized you! I gave you a plate of corn muffins back in 1947 to paint my chicken coop.
- Photo: 20th Television223 VOTES
Everything But Raisins
Marge Simpson: I'm sorry, Maggie, but growing up means giving up the things you love.
Grampa Simpson: It's true. I had to give up everything but raisins, and the doctor says even those are killing me. Sweet, plump coffin nails they are.
- Photo: 20th Television233 VOTES
Cough The Moon Back Up
Homer Simpson: Sorry, Dad. I was afraid the dragon wouldn't cough the moon back up.
Grampa Simpson: You idiot! Dragon always coughs the moon back up.
- Photo: 20th Television243 VOTES
Got Caught In Your Sheets
Grampa Simpson: I was sleeping in the dryer and got caught in your sheets.
- Photo: 20th Television254 VOTES
You're A Fish Tank
Grampa Simpson: The television only has one channel.
Aide: That's a fish tank!
Grampa Simpson: You're a fish tank.
Aide: That was hurtful. I wish I was a fish tank, then I could filter out his nasty words.
- Photo: 20th Television263 VOTES
Slow Down
Selma Bouvier: Wanna split a basket of garlic bread?
Grampa Simpson: Slow down you hussie!
- Photo: 20th Television273 VOTES
Grandpa Out
Grampa Simpson: In a world of thirty-one flavors, we're the cup of water they rinse the scoops in. Grandpa out.
- Photo: 20th Television285 VOTES
Hallmark Holiday
Grampa Simpson: Bah! This is just another Hallmark holiday cooked up to sell cards.
- Photo: 20th Television294 VOTES
Open Casket Good
Grampa Simpson: You two look good... open casket good.
